by Susie and Otto Collins

When we talk to married couples, especially those whose marriages
have lasted many years, is that they are bored and they want their
marriage to be the way it used to be.

We don't buy into this myth and this hasn't been our experience.
If we were to sum up our recipe for a happy marriage in a few
words, we would tell you to make repairs and regain your
connection as soon as you see that you have become
disconnected.

During this particular time we're telling you about, we were
both feeling stressed in our lives, with deadlines and
problems to solve.

As it happens with many people during times like these,

challenges, misunderstandings and lots of emotion started to
come up between us.

We found ourselves being critical of each other when we

normally weren't. We found ourselves judging the other unfairly

and not giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

We did what many people do during times of disharmony. We

moved into control, withdrawal and resignation. But as we knew,
people in a healthy relationships become disconnected but move into
repairing their relationship and into connection as quickly as possible.

We believe we are in relationships to heal those parts of ourselves
that need to be healed and disharmony is just a way to become aware
of what needs to be healed.

The term "moving into repair" sounds so clinical, but what this means
to us is the process of regaining the lost connection and magic between us.

So, how do we do that?

1. First, it all starts with our intention-- to keep our deep love

and connection alive. 

2. It's also our intention to not run away when things get tough--

to move through disharmony and  regain our connection as soon

as possible.

Many people will do almost anything to avoid dealing with painful
situations. We've found that if we don't deal with feelings that
come up for us ( no matter how painful) that they won't go away.
They just come back up until we face them.

We've found that this is a cycle of disharmony and repair and it's
an ongoing and continual process of growth that helps us to heal and
deepen the love between us.

When we look at this cycle as one that keeps our relationship
alive and healthy, then it takes on a completely different look.

The next time you are tempted to believe that a healthy marriage
never has any disharmony, stop kidding yourself.

All marriages experience periods of disharmony. It's whether you're
willing to move from your stuck positions of blame, judgment and
being right into repair and healing that makes your marriage great
and deepens your connection.